


do you hear my heart beat for you and you

by Winga



Category: EOS 10 (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Reichenbach AU, and this happened, i am going to add here that this is not only angst, i was supposed to only think about this possibility, i wrote like 1500 words of this on tumblr msging, so like you might not know this but i'm a huge sherlock fan and also i love all aus, this is a story of healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 19:31:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7770217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winga/pseuds/Winga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all goes wrong in the beginning but Ryan learns to live with it all, learns to love again, and then suddenly everything changes again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	do you hear my heart beat for you and you

It doesn’t go as planned, Ryan thinks when he’s running to find Akmazian before everything falls apart. He’s gotten a note saying Akmazian is in a meeting with someone who might have information but who also might be on the wrong side of the cause. Who might cause everything to shatter.

When Ryan gets to the end of the corridor, he hears a bang, an explosion, and his heart jumps. “Oh no,” he mutters, and he runs, runs as fast as he can. When he gets to the door that leads to the room where the note said Akmazian would be, there’s only smoke and body parts inside the room. “Oh no,” he whines when opens the door, the smell terrible.

He falls to the ground against the door as he stares at the destruction in front of him. He knows he needs to inform someone about this, get someone here to clear this mess up, to see who the body parts belong to, if they can be recognised. He closes his eyes, bites back tears, bites back a scream that bubbles just below the surface. He gets up.

There’s work to do, even now, even if Akmazian has died.

***

At first Ryan can keep himself together. He waits for more information on the victims in the explosion and lets himself hope. He works at the infirmary and he tries to look for proof of Akmazian’s innocence. Jane and Levi help him, Urvidian says he needs to take a break because he’s working too hard, but Urvidian also asks around from Ryan’s father’s friends who know him and knew Ryan’s father well.

When it’s clear that they can’t make out anything in the remains that remained from the explosion, Ryan breaks down. He takes days off and Urvidian thinks it’s both a good idea and a horrible idea at the same time. He tells Jane and Levi to keep an eye on Ryan, and Osolong says he wants to help too. Ryan lets them in, lets them talk with him while he holds Morpheus, strokes the cat’s fur and looks at whoever is in the room with him without really seeing them. Jane tells stories, Levi brings food, Osolong sits next to Ryan and tells him that it’s fine to feel hollow and broken.

Ryan starts talking to Osolong, he tells him he was in love, and Osolong just nods, even though it hurts, just a bit, to know. But Ryan starts smiling, and he starts asking Osolong to stay with him long into the night, and days pass, weeks pass, they start talking about other things besides Akmazian, even though he’s still in both their minds, because Ryan is still set in his mind to prove that Akmazian had been innocent to the biggest crime he was blamed with. But they talk, and they have fun together, and Jane gives a ‘told you so’ look to Levi even though she feels a pang in her heart because even if she knew Osolong was gay, she still hoped against hope.

One night they kiss. Or Osolong brushes his lips against Ryan’s as he’s leaving and suddenly Ryan pushes him against a wall and pushes his hands into Osolong’s hair. They kiss and they bite and they breathe each other’s air.

In the morning Osolong looks at a sleeping Ryan, his hair a mess, and he gets up to leave. He doesn’t think he can deal with being just someone Ryan uses to get back on his feet, he’s come to feel more for the man in the weeks they’ve been getting to know each other better and better. Morpheus wakes up and walks over to Osolong, leans against his feet, meows loudly and wakes Ryan up before Osolong can go.

“Where are you going?” Ryan asks, eyes still unfocused as he sees Osolong standing. “Why are you up? Come back to bed.”

Osolong tries to make up his mind, tries to leave, but he ends up sitting back on the bed. “When you wake up I need to talk with you.”

Ryan frowns. He blinks, tries to blink out the sleep, tries to wake up. He’s slightly afraid Osolong is going to say something like this was all he wanted and that they won’t be seeing each other again, because he’s found a friend, someone to trust in him. Because Ryan thinks he’s falling for Osolong.

So he forces himself awake. Gets up and makes them coffee. Sits down at the table across from Osolong. Says: “Talk.”

It takes Osolong a moment to get out the words and then he says: “I don’t want to just be a rebound.”

Ryan looks at Osolong. “You’re not,” he says with certainty in his voice. “But I guess we should have started with an actual date before last night, because well. I was afraid you were going to say that this was all you’d wanted from me, that these weeks, these past months have meant nothing to you.”

Osolong smiles.

***

Around the time when they start calling their relationship dating instead of just friendship, there’s the first news from an Alliance ship where the commanding officer has been found dead with piles of proof that they were not on the Alliance’s side anymore.

Ryan thinks Akmazian must have had friends elsewhere, who must have taken it unto them to find peace for their dead friend and he doubles his own efforts on finding proof of Akmazian’s innocence. He starts looking into the logs about the Adrarian sector and Osolong helps him. Urvidian has copies of conversations from officers who are on their side, who believe that Admiral Dalias’s son would not lie about anything to do with his father’s murder. Levi has a new provider of black market goods who also provides them with new from the underworld and soon they have a case on their hands with which they can prove that Akmazian did not destroy a star.

In the midst of this all there’s the thing with the Orchid. Ryan manages to stop the Orchid, manages to break the unknown artefact, and that’s when he knows it’s not enough to just prove Akmazian innocent, which they manage to do, but also to slowly entangle the corruption, to find out who are working in the new order, who are trying to change everything.

Ryan still manages to work, but he also reads every command given in the last ten rotations or so, everything on the database that he thinks might point to a new corruption. Osolong reminds him to take time off now and then, Osolong takes him on a holiday, Osolong keeps him together. Levi and Jane and Urvidian help as much as they can, but they know Ryan responds best to Osolong.

Sometimes there’s new news of Alliance commanders being found dead with pointers on where to find proof that they were not on the Alliance side anymore. On those times Ryan thinks about Akmazian even more, and he talks to Osolong, tells him that there’s someone else, someone doing the same thing as they are but with taking the law on their own hands. That the person is doing the right thing but maybe not in the right way.

Osolong holds Ryan on those nights tighter.

***

Time passes. A rotation changes to a new one changes to a new one. Osolong asks Ryan to move in with him and Ryan moves with Morpheus into Osolong’s bigger quarters. Ryan tells Osolong he’s in love and Osolong responds with telling Ryan in every possible way how much he loves him back.

***

Nearly three rotations to the day when Ryan watched Akmazian die, there's news that other Alliance soldiers are coming in, confessing, afraid of the darkness that has taken hold of their commanding officers.

Nearly three rotations to the date Ryan's walking towards his quarters (their quarters, he's lived with Osolong for over a rotation now and it's been a good while, he knows he’s in love).

From the shadows comes a figure, says: “Hello darling,” and Ryan stops. Stops and turns and stares. Stares.

Seconds pass. Minutes pass.

”I watched you die,” Ryan says, his eyes wide with shock with panic because there's no way, no way.

Akmazian shrugs and says nothing for a moment, before he says: “Sorry”.

Ryan wants to scream wants to sit down wants to punch the man.

Akmazian hasn't been able to keep an eye on Ryan other than following the news (Ryan's a good doctor, Ryan's done good things, Ryan's proved Akmazian's innocence over and over and over again, with Osolong standing next to him in the pictures, with Akmazian seeing that there's something going on, Akmazian has seethed with jealousy, burning passion that he never thought was real but knows now).

“Can I tell you a story?” Akmazian asks, because wasn't that the beginning, what he wanted to do in the beginning.

Ryan stares, still. Ryan nods, stays still. “Is it a long story?”

”I could keep it short or I could tell you everything.”

Ryan invites Akmazian to the quarters he shares with Osolong, who probably will be at home already, who probably will look at Akmazian and know.

Osolong is there when they get to the quarters, looks at them both, and says: “I’ll make some coffee, shall I?” because he's a good host, because he recognises Akmazian as well, and he knows this is going to be a long night.

Ryan nods, nods again, looks after Osolong as he goes and turns to Akmazian. “Come, let's sit.”

Akmazian's jealousy has been pushed away because he has had to do so but now it flares, it reminds him of its existence, but he follows Ryan and says nothing about Osolong, because if he's what he wants then he can have it because all he's wanted is Ryan to be happy, to have a good life.

They sit down and they look at each other. Akmazian opens his mouth but closes it again.

When Osolong comes with coffee and two mugs, Ryan raises a brow. “You're staying right?” Ryan asks and Osolong frowns, looks at Ryan, looks at Akmazian. “You're staying,” Ryan says again and gets up, pushes Osolong to sit down and goes to fetch a third mug.

Osolong looks at Akmazian awkwardly and Akmazian stares at Osolong but they say nothing because they don't know what to say, what it is that you're supposed to say in this situation.

Ryan comes back, pours coffee in three mugs and gives them out. He sits down and looks at Akmazian. “Why did you do it?” he asks. “You know I would have helped you.”

And Akmazian frowns. “You could have died you would have died, you started a revolution with your words about proving my innocence.”

”I was willing to.”

Osolong sits next to Ryan, puts his hand on Ryan's thigh, holds, holds. Ryan closes his eyes and leans just a tiny bit towards Osolong.

Akmazian watches. His heart clenches.

Akmazian sighs and says: “If you had died then what would it have been worth? You believed me, you were willing to risk so much for me, your career, and I couldn't let you die. But still you kept trying after I had. Died.”

“It hurt me to see the explosion and know you were in there!” Ryan shouts.

“It had to be believable,” Akmazian replies.

“So all those news about officers dying with everything pointing at their guilt, that was you all along?” Ryan asks, calming down as Osolong's hand moves slowly in circles.

Akmazian nods, bites his tongue to keep himself from saying anything stupid. Then: ”I kept all the articles about you, I kept track of you with them. I couldn't have eyes here, even though I wanted to, I needed to know you were alright. But I was risking enough as it was, moving through space and planets and spaceships in search of those who were trying to change everything, trying to make the universe a worse place to live in.”

”I kept wishing it was you dealing with the issue but I was certain you were dead,” Ryan mutters and covers Osolong's hand with his own because it calms him, he calms him.

”I came to say I’m sorry and thank you,” Akmazian says, keeping his eyes on the two of them. “To make sure you're doing alright, to make sure you would find out I was still alive from me and not another source. I’m resurfacing. You have made the world ready for me, even though you never had to. You could have let it be, let me be, my memory fade away.”

“How could I when I loved you?” Ryan asks, drawing circles with his thumb on Osolong's hand, because he knows Osolong knows and because now he needs to reassure Osolong that they still are, that they still love.

Akmazian sits still. He stares. He stares. ”I thought I was wishing for the stars, I thought that you would never have, but to know you did - you do know I felt the same for you? That that's why I left you behind? I would have taken you with me but that would have been too dangerous - I knew you'd be safer here. And I haven't stopped, not really, I haven't stopped loving you.”

Osolong feels out of place, feels like he's witnessing what's going to be the end of him, what's going to end up breaking his heart (but he knows that if this is what Ryan wants, what Ryan needs, he'll let Ryan go). He holds onto Ryan's hand, for reassurance or for the last time. He doesn't know.

Ryan nods. He holds Osolong's hand back, tightens his grip, says: ”I haven't stopped loving you either, but I am not going to leave for you.”

The moment turns into silence. Turns to look at them all in turn. Osolong still uncertain, certain only that he will let go because he loves, certain only that he won't let go without a fight. Ryan's face is hard, he looks at Osolong and it softens, he looks at Akmazian and he doesn't know where this road will lead, the road he would have taken without missing a beat three rotations ago. Akmazian shifts in his seat, he wants, he yearns, but he doesn't want to make Ryan choose, he doesn't want to break up a good relationship, a great one even, because he knows how long Osolong has been there, for Ryan, from the pictures in the articles, from the way his arm has been there to steady Ryan, to keep him calm.

”I wouldn't ask you to leave. I wouldn't ask you to change. I wouldn't ask you to do anything you didn't want to do,” Akmazian says and he turns to look at Osolong, the man he wishes he could have been.

”I need to think,” Ryan says and Osolong feels a sharp pain in his chest. Akmazian turns back to Ryan, terrified and hopeful. ”I need to think but I know I can love you both, can I not?”

Akmazian raises a brow and Osolong blinks.

“Did it not cross your minds? You live in a time where everything is possible, things no one dared to dream of in the past,” Ryan says, looks at Osolong. “You have seen so many things in your life, have you not, species that live in huge flocks all loving each other?” Ryan turns to Akmazian. “You have travelled the universe, have you not come across beings people living in harmony, loving many in harmony?”

Akmazian nods and Osolong nods. They look at each other, still wary of each other. Osolong wants to say you broke his heart once please don't do it again. Akmazian wants to say I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry but we can make this work can we not.

Ryan says: “But I need time to think, I need time to learn to know you again. You need to learn to know each other. I can't have you at each other’s throats.”

Before the silence that falls over them can turn uncomfortable, Ryan says: “And tomorrow, won’t we bring you back to life?”

Akmazian nods and drinks his coffee that has already gone somewhat cold.

“You need a place to sleep,” says Osolong, opening his mouth now, because slowly they’ll all have to learn to talk with each other. “You can crash on the couch. And you need a shower.”

“Well. You’re not wrong on either. I had planned on crashing at the cargo bay.”

“That’s not possible anymore,” Ryan says with a frown. “I may have managed to turn that into some kind of an operating room for our operations of uncovering the conspiracy. And I think now we’ll have to figure out new uses for the place.” He smiles. “Maybe we can turn it into a more comfortable place for you to stay in. I may want to see if we could fit together, the three of us, but I don’t know if it’s the best idea that we begin that with living together, when the two of you hadn’t even met before tonight.”

Akmazian nods and Osolong tries not to show how relieved he is that Ryan isn’t suggesting they live all together straight away.

“I’ll get you a towel and show you where the shower is,” Ryan says getting up and Akmazian follows after.

When Ryan comes back to the table, it’s to find Osolong with his head in his hands.

“What is it?”

“I know what you say, and that you say you love me but he was there first,” Osolong mutters and Ryan comes to stand behind him, wrap his arms around his neck. “What if you fall out of love with me?”

Ryan leans down and presses a kiss on the top of Osolong’s head. “Don’t be stupid. I’m not putting him before you. It was just – I do love the both of you, but you’ve been here. You’ve been here for me and I’ve fallen very deeply in love with you.”

Osolong knows he can trust Ryan but it still feels like a gamble.

Even when he falls into bed with Ryan an hour later, with Akmazian sleeping on the couch, he’s afraid of letting go and holds tight onto Ryan.

***

The process of bringing Akmazian back to the books of living begins the next day. Levi says he’s disappointed Akmazian didn’t trust him with this information. Jane is surprised and she watches the way Ryan interacts with Osolong, who is not gone from his side for long times, and Akmazian, who stares at Ryan with too much feeling in his eyes. Urvidian doesn’t show his surprise.

The rest of the station finds out soon enough, and wherever Akmazian goes, he’s stared at. He was assumed dead for so long, that it takes everyone some time to get around to understanding he’s still alive.

It doesn’t take long until someone connects the dots with Akmazian being alive and all the dead Alliance members, but there’s no proof, and since they were against the Alliance as a whole and the way every species lived in harmony, only some relatives of the dead beings send Akmazian hate letters. The way Ryan has been so adamant on proving Akmazian innocent of bigger crimes also helps, because he’s painted a picture of a good person, someone who would only hurt others if he was threatened himself. This doesn’t work on the closest relations of those he’s killed, but he was expecting a bigger backlash.

It takes a while before Akmazian has all the paperwork done on his being alive, and before the cargo bay is turned into a place he might live in, he lives with Jane and Levi. Jane tells him he can’t break Ryan’s heart again, and that he’s not allowed to play around, and he doesn’t tell her that they’re trying to work around that, that they’re trying to make everything work in some way for them. Levi asks him what he’s going to do now that he’s innocent, and he says he has no idea. He gets a hefty sum of money for everything that’s gone against him, but he still wants to do something. He’s been a smuggler for so long, but he doesn’t think Ryan would approve. He was a spy for a long time, but his face is too recognizable now.

Ryan invites him for dinner often enough. Osolong is there for most of them, because Ryan wants Akmazian and Osolong to learn to know each other. They don’t necessarily have to fall in love, but if Ryan is going to do this, if he’s going to love them both and cherish them both, if he’s going to learn this all over again with Akmazian and if he’s going to be able to hold onto Osolong, they have to get along. Ryan wishes that one day they’ll be able to live in the same quarters.

Some dinners it’s just Ryan and Akmazian. The first time Akmazian is surprised and asks where Osolong is and Ryan laughs and says that he’s missed Akmazian, that he wants to have some one on one time with him too. They talk and they eat and they drink and by the end of it Akmazian worries he’ll not be able to get along with Osolong, because he remembers why he fell in love with Ryan and why he wanted to keep him all to himself before even though he never said it, never told Ryan so.

Once Ryan is absent, having left a note behind saying _’Please, for my sake, talk to each other. I feel like I have to carry the conversation with the both of you and it would be much easier if you talked to each other too. I’m sure there’s a lot of things you can talk about. No, I know it. So I’m not coming tonight. Have a pleasant evening. Love, Ryan._

For half an hour Osolong and Akmazian only stare at each other, eat in silence, drink in silence. Two glasses of wine into dinner, Akmazian opens his mouth and says: “I’m glad he found you.”

Osolong smiles, thinking about Ryan, and says: “I may have mended his heart but I don’t think it was healed completely before you came back. I think he always held onto a memory of you that he hid from even me, even though he told me more than others.”

“I wish I had never broken his heart in the first place.”

“What’s done is done. He forgives you, you know that right? He wouldn’t try this if he didn’t.”

Akmazian nods and takes a drink. “I know it but I don’t know it. I didn’t even think he’d let me back in his life so all this – all this feels so much. I’m glad, and I want to be worthy of him, but I don’t know if I can.”

“He knows you. He knows who you are and what you have done and what you haven’t, and you think you’re not worthy. I thought you said you’d followed him in articles, that you knew what he’s done for you. Would he have done that all, if he didn’t think you were worthy of him? Do you think I wouldn’t have stopped him if I hadn’t believed him, when he told me you were innocent, when he talked me into helping him?”

Akmazian can’t say anything.

“Right. So you know. And I want this to work. For his sake, he’s suffered enough before, and I want him to be able to have everything he wants. And if it’s you as well, I don’t see why I couldn’t give that to him. Why I couldn’t share him and his love.”

It takes Akmazian a moment to know what to say and even then he doesn’t think it’s enough. “You’re so much better a man than I am. I didn’t think I would be able to share him, but I know I can. You’re so important to him and I meant it when I said I wouldn’t make him choose. I would have left him be. I would have been sad but if it had been what he wanted, I would have.”

It’s enough.

They talk more about Ryan, because they want to learn the things about Ryan the other knows. Osolong tells Akmazian about the time when he was gone. Akmazian tells about their adventures, and even if Osolong has heard some of them, he hasn’t heard them in this way. Then Akmazian asks about Osolong, asks him to tell something about himself, and they turn the conversation into each other, into knowing who it is, what it is, that Ryan loves. What it is that they give to Ryan, what they mean to Ryan.

It may revolve mostly around Ryan, but it’s still learning to get along.

***

One day out of nowhere Ryan kisses Akmazian. Levi has been cooking for them all and asked them to a tasting of his new recipes.

“Ryan!” Jane exclaims and glances at Osolong, who’s sitting next to Ryan, one of his hands on Ryan’s leg.

“What? Oh.” Ryan turns and kisses Osolong in turn. “Happy now?”

“What on earth is going on here?” Levi asks, entering the room with another pan full of something everyone is both excited and terrified of tasting. There have been two courses of food already, one a masterpiece, one not so much.

“Ryan kissed Akmazian right in front of Osolong!” Jane shouts, pointing at Ryan.

“Is that not how polyamory works? They are all consenting adults,” Levi replies and sets the pan on the table.

Jane looks at Levi and then from Osolong to Ryan to Akmazian. “Since when?”

“Well, technically there’s been nothing else but dinners going on before this,” Ryan replies and looks at Osolong and then Akmazian. “But the two of them have been able to hold a conversation without me present for longer periods of time, so I thought we’ve finally gotten past the most awkward period.”

“Did you really not know?” Levi asks surprised. “I thought it was obvious from the beginning.”

Akmazian frowns. “I didn’t know you saw things like that.”

“You have been quite obvious about your feelings towards Ryan and he hasn’t changed how he interacts with Osolong,” Levi answers and begins to ladle soup on everyone’s plates. “So glad you have been able to get past the awkwardness, now please try this new soup.”

In her shock Jane doesn’t even taste the soup at first but when she does, she turns to stare at Levi. “This should definitely be on the menu.”

***

From there, Akmazian and Osolong learn to appreciate each other. Ryan is still the link between them, but they learn to hold conversations that don’t tie around Ryan as tightly as in the beginning, and they begin to see what Ryan sees in each of them. They start surprising Ryan together, and even though everything is still quite tied to Ryan, they start forming a relationship of their own – not completely separate from Ryan, but also something new that exists in the spaces where Ryan can’t fit.

When Ryan finds them, months from the beginning of their arrangement, fitting their lips together, seeing if they can fit together, he grins and scares them by coughing. “So sorry to bother you but I was wondering if we could finally begin to look for quarters where we all fit since you’re getting along so well.”

Akmazian and Osolong look somewhat embarrassed, but Ryan just laughs. “I’m so glad we’ve come so far. I never knew if we could get here.”

Then they’re all laughing. Akmazian looks at Osolong and Ryan and can’t help but think that he’s found home. A home he would never have thought would be his. A home that still needs building and work, but a home he wants to stay in.

Even if he doesn’t know it, Osolong and Ryan both share the sentiment.

(Rotations later they will look back at this time, they will wonder how did we ever have any trouble. They will remember how it was but it will feel so distant. They will lie in bed, all three of them, with Morpheus lying on one of their stomach and they will remember. They will laugh. They will love.)

**Author's Note:**

> come shout at me about AUs @shurikenship on tumblr so my friends can catch a break


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